Genevieve's Delivery Day

4 years ago today, I went into labor and delivered a beautiful baby girl named Genevieve. I went into septic shock which entered my lungs, my heart... I spent 9 days in the hospital and lived, she didn't. But, I got to hold her and felt only awe and peace. 

For her funeral I made exactly 100 little guardian angels to go out into the world through friends and family. I made these as Christmas tree ornaments and she goes on our tree every year. When I ask Christopher who is Genevieve, he says "my sister and guardian angel". When Rise of the Guardians came out in the movies, he made the connection between the main character and his sister. When I cried out for help the first time on Facebook for direction on the day I learned I had an aggressive and invasive breast cancer -- exactly 100 people responded. I couldn't help but think that my guardian angel was right there, saying "Mommy, it's going to be ok." 

I survived yet another deadly illness and today I'm here so grateful. I think of so many things ... including Eric Clapton's lyrics, Tears in Heaven. In particular, I feel like I tasted heaven on that November 30, 2009 -- but it's not my turn. I don't belong, yet. Im posting the lyrics in memory of Genevieve on this morning that my body woke up --on its own-- the exact time I went into her labor. Awe and peace...

"Tears In Heaven"

Would you know my name

If I saw you in heaven?

Would it be the same

If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong

And carry on,

'Cause I know I don't belong

Here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand

If I saw you in heaven?

Would you help me stand

If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way

Through night and day,

'Cause I know I just can't stay

Here in heaven.

Time can bring you down,

Time can bend your knees.

Time can break your heart,

Have you begging please, begging please.

Beyond the door,

There's peace I'm sure,

And I know there'll be no more

Tears in heaven.

Would you know my name

If I saw you in heaven?

Would it be the same

If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong

And carry on,

'Cause I know I don't belong

Here in heaven.

Memories of her chapter:

http://ourbabygenevieve.blogspot.com/2010/01/2-months-later.html?m=1

Labor Day Run: One Season Ending, One Beginning

One Season Ending, One Beginning

In February I said I'm looking at my cancer as a season -- lasting from Valentines Day to Labor Day. Here I am on Labor Day. I'm so relieved to be here. I'm grateful beyond words.

Where am I now in terms of the 'treatments for breast cancer?' Mastectomy, Chemo and Recovery ended-- now 10 weeks post experience on this particular day which also coincides with my first weekend of Tamoxifen. I still have one more surgery left which I'm saving up for (I currently have the spacer in place behind my pectoralis which was done at the mastectomy. At this surgery, two doctors worked in tandem -- while one removed, one cut behind the pectoralis to insert these balloon-like structures that were later gradually filled with saline solution with needle injections on ten day increments to stretch the muscle so that I could eventually have a place to later insert a breast implant. You continue this process of injections until you're the size you want. I've been done with the size part for a while. Not comfortable but could be worse. Looking forward to the replacement). 

I was told that this next stage of cancer treatment -- Tamoxifen -- has possible side effects. I decided that a nice balance of rest and "endorphin flood" via running and racing will help me fight off side-effects of Tamoxifen. In fact, I'm even taking it a step further by deciding to run cross country this year for the extra 'high' I get from racing to counter any 'low' from medication.

Here are some examples of how running or exercise that produces endorphins can help:

1. Estrogen likes fat cells; estrogen hungry tumors thrive on fat cells. Running helps keep one lean and therefore fewer fat cells that tumors would thrive on.

2. Estrogen supression causes one to have the blues or be moody; running produces endorphins which counteract the low estrogen.

3. Estrogen supression causes increased cravings for things like salt, sugar, refined items; running curbs the appetite and makes me make better choices.

4. Chemotherapy produces bone loss; impact sports like running help produce more red blood cells, white blood cells, and platelets in the bone marrow.

I'm banking on running. It's my labor of love -- such a perfect pair for me on this Labor Day. So far, I'm off to a good start!

Craving cookies?

I find that I crave sweets when I juice less; juicing vegetables -- at least 40-60 ounces daily alongside healthy good foods like those followed by paleo folks help me curb the cravings.

But, when I do crave sweets, what do I do? I reach out to foods that trick my brain. Foods my brain think are cookies and pancakes. With this post I've decided to share some of my favorite recipes to trick the brain. I've tested these on friends and strangers and they got the yummy votes of approval.

Here is my favorite cookie recipe:

ingredients:
2 cups of shredded coconut
1/2 cup of any nut butter (Brazilian is my favorite; next are cashew butter and almond butter)
4 tablespoons of raw honey
1 tablespoon of cinnamon
pinch of salt

Place all items in a food processor -- let it do the work for you. If your coconut is not finely shredded, then shred that first and add all other items after. Place in bowl and roll into ball by mashing it against the side of the bowl. Roll ball unto wax paper. Flatten so it looks like a large flat square or rectangle. Cover with another piece of wax paper. Chill in fridge for one hour. Cut into small inch size bites. Store in glass container in fridge. Munch when hungry. Enjoy!

Superfood variation:
add 2 tablespoons of Lucuma which is rich in niacin and iron. Also add 1 tablespoon of Maca which is awesome for hormone balance.

Faux chocolate variation:
Throw in carob chips or Enjoy Life chocolate chips (here's their link). Gluten Free, Wheat Free, Dairy Free, Peanut Free, Tree Nut Free, Egg Free, Soy Free, Fish Free, Shellfish Free. Also Non-GMO Verified, made with no artificial anything, Vegan and Kosher! Ingredients = Evaporated Cane Juice, Chocolate Liquor, Non-Dairy Cocoa Butter

Next Stage of Cancer Battle: Hormone Treatment

Date of entry 8/8/13

I'm currently 6-7 weeks post chemotherapy which was the second stage of the battle against breast cancer; the first stage was a double mastectomy.

I'm now approaching the third stage of cancer battle which is tamoxifen --an estrogen blocker since my cancer tumors were estrogen hungry; it's a hormone treatment that suppresses estrogen production in breasts. 

I have to admit, I'm the least excited about this stage initially. First, I don't have breasts.  The drug is supposed to help women not develop breast cancer. Hmm. My layperson thinking is that I would need breasts -- and I don't know if the women in the studies had at least one breast or partial breast. This I'll be researching....

Also, in terms of treatment, I think it was easier to swallow both mastectomy and chemo because there was an active, known, ugly 9/9 grade cancer in my system -- so all I could focus on was 'get it out!' It was, in the thought process of it, easier to do from this standpoint because it was tangible. The mastectomy gets out was is visible; the chemotherapy gets out what might still be deemed dangerously fast growing and invasive (like mine -- mine got the worst possible score of both fast growing and invasive; chemo works only on fast growing and fast invading cells. It doesn't work on what is slowly growing or dividing). I just wanted my two tumors (one 2.5 cm the other 5 cm, Invasive ductal carcinoma with lymph node involvement) out as soon as possible. And, I had a game plan to also fight the side effects of these decisions. Psychologically this helped a great deal.  This third stage of treatment, the Tamoxifen, in order to fight off cancer is tricky in the brain department, at least for me, because I'm fighting off an invisible invader or an invader that is potentially there in the future. It's harder to fight something that is not quite there, yet.

I've researched journal articles, asked researcher and medical friends for advice, read breast cancer survivor chat rooms/message sites. I needed to do this, talk to other survivors, and talk to two of my doctors, about this next decision since I was still on the fence. Honestly, the side effects do scare me (uterine cancer, liver damage, eye damage) but doctors say these are rare. Depression, weight gain, hot flashes are more common side effects... but there are natural solutions that I'm looking at through foods, exercise, supplements.

I guess I can think of this stage of cancer treatment like I'm still at war but my enemies are both lingering and hiding? Well, this would do nothing for the sleep department. Not an option in my head -- and if it does sneak in there, then I'm choosing to focus on that I won this war; I want to enjoy it and not waste time worrying. But, I am keeping it real in that at least at this particular point in time of my treatment, on this particular day, I am fighting the worries and bombarding these thoughts with positive experiences and thoughts. I try to replace with things I enjoy to do --- like play with my son, hang out with my husband, run, read, swim, nap.

Deciding to take Tamoxifen has now become the next stage -- third stage -- which I'll be on for the next 5 years minimum. The newest research recommends 10 years; my doctor said take 2 years at a time.

Aside from weighing risks and benefits, the following breast cancer survivor post helped -- in it you can get a picture of some of the worries we face -- and thought processes to help not hyper focus on it as well:

"

Re: Re: More confused after second opinion - Saturday, October 02, 2004 12:14 PM Ginger... I'm with Barb. I had 4 tumors with largest 1.7 CM on left - 2 on 1-3 scale of aggressiveness, DCIS on right, no node involvement. I did bilaterals with implants and did 4 rounds of a/c chemo and do plan to go on tamox. The reason being life. I'm 40 and have two kids, 13 and 4, and I wanted to do everything possible to prevent recurrence. I met with 3 different oncologists who all said the same thing. In fact, one younger mail doctor, whose wife was my age, said that he wouldn't be able to sleep nights unless he knew I was taking the most aggressive route possible. I did research and after so many opinions, my recurrence rate drops from something like 20% with just the surgery, 7% with the chemo and 2% with tamox...not sure of exact numbers, but it was that dramatic. When I was up in the air about chemo, I read an article in the Boston Globe about a 42 year old mom preparing to die. She had cancer at 36 and thought she was being so aggressive with bilaterals instead of just a lumpectomy and opted for no chemo. She now had it everywhere and was making videotapes for future reference for her children to help them cope with issues when growing up without her. I read that article and saw her and her two children's photos and said "bring on the chemo." Re tamox...not totally thrilled with what it may cause. I'm starting it in another few weeks after my body has settled a bit from chemo and hopefully I won't be an emotional mess on it. My onco said mostly I'll have to worry about hot flashes, and possible menopause, but whatever. I'll have to go thru that at some point. If that's the worst of it, I'll take it for the added life insurance. Good luck...that's just my two cents. Pat

Recovery Update: 6 Weeks Post Chemo

The biggest recovery happened from weeks 4-6. For me, it meant fewer episodes of feeling aches in joints, moments of fatigue that hits out of the blue, feelings of being kicked in my lower back and neck at the base of the skull. The neuropathy comes when I juice less; I find if I juice it keeps tingling legs and arms at bay. 

I pretty much do normal activities buffered by naps on either end (before activity or end of day before dinner. For instance, I volunteered at my son's summer camp, I homeschool him, I conduct therapy, I workout daily before my household wakes up. 

On the fifth post chemo week I did a part of a Ragnar Trail competition. This is an 8 person relay times three legs each over a 24 hour period of time at altitude on running trails. This one happened at Lake Tahoe, running a range of 7000 feet and 9000 feet. I ran twice within 24 hours - each of the short legs of 2.7 miles. One leg was my original leg (I had one of my brothers shadow me just in case; another brother run my second leg which was planned a month ago; a friend ran my third leg also as planned. This was my re-entry into racing). The second time I ran it was also at 1130am in the heat -- I ran as one of my teammates pacers for his short leg. My hubby did all three legs -- so proud if him! I had the best teammates. Friend and family support. So much fun! It was perfect. 

Overall the 24 hour experience was perfect for this stage of my recovery. I do think next time I can run all three legs which is hopeful.

Speaking of the trip and handling altitude while still having chemo in my system: I do feel that some of the daily health rituals contribute to minimized pain. These include daily running, daily juicing, daily supplementing. The running pounding creates more cells in my blood  marrow. The juicing and supplementing not only repairs cells but provides energy and promotes new cell growth. When I don't do this (I've tested on myself by accident -- like falling asleep early before taking my nightly ritual supplements or rushing off the appointments while leaving juice home for the day) I do feel the difference. I can also see how mood is elevated as well when I run, juice, supplement and take naps.

For this competition I did bring a juicer and juiced 200 ounces of carrots, celery, beets, broccoli, spinach for a three day period. I juiced at our cabin which we had for two nights. Then I juiced for the competition by putting in recycled glass water containers and putting in the ice chest. I also kept downsizing the containers and started using plastic water bottles. Along with juice I aimed for minimum of 64 ounces of water and small meals throughout the day. 

For the competition I also placed my supplements into those daily medicine dividers. These lasted 4 of the 5 days of our vacation (they melted on day 5 when I forgot to keep in cool area). Overall I felt pretty good -- pretty normal. 

Also -- can't forget about lymphedema prevention. To avoid this swelling in the areas of where my lymph nodes were removed, I used a sleeve. This I got measured for at a medical supply store. Apparently I will need this anytime I fly and go to altitude. Worked great! I even got compression sleeves for my calves which really helps with recovery. 

I'm now entering week 6 of recovery and one can now see my eyebrows have grown in. My toenails are not fallen off, but they are dark so I paint these. And as for body  hair like legs and pits it looks like shaving will need to start soon (ahh -- I did enjoy not needing to do this. It was one of the silver linings).

I'm overwhelmed with the amount of thoughts and prayers my way which have lifted me throughout this experience. Forever grateful. 

First Lymphedema Sleeve and Gauntlet

When your lymph nodes are removed during mastectomy you then must learn about swelling on the side of removal -- especially if you fly or go to altitude. Learning about lymphedema is often not talked about by cancer doctors; I learned from "the sisterhood" of which I'm gratefully a part of. So, I'd like to share this info so as to prevent pain for other sisters:

I first made an appointment with a fitter to get the right sleeve and gauntlet size. I learned what these things are then learned how to take these on and off. For instance, you fold down in half to slide upward without touching the non-slip portion at the top in order to avoid natural oils from hand to make those non-slip areas slippery. It was an hour long appointment -- the sleeve was $90 and the gauntlet, or part that goes over hand, was $50 which I paid upfront with hopes of insurance reimbursing later. I'm flying soon and Ill be at altitude so this will come in handy. The fitter recommends wearing at least an hour prior to flight than about an hour after flight. 

Post Chemotherapy Hair

Just wanted to record this moment in time...looks like my new hair will be salt and pepper in color versus previous black hair. It also looks like it will be wavy versus previous straight hair. It is quite mysterious how this all works ;)