Reconstruction Surgery Day

This day has finally come! Before I forget these memories and feelings, I want to write them down as I go through them and while I can so that others who have to go through. I'm currently in between drugs -- Percocet and Valium -- so I'm not in the pain I'd otherwise typically feel without them. The Valium is wearing off which means I'm more alert but it also means I'm starting to feel pressure on my torso. In about 15minutes I'll take the next Valium pill leaving me less pain and also less cognitive function so I'll most likely sleep which is good. My husband and son have been wonderfully taking care of me. So grateful!

What do I currently feel?

It feels like sandbags sitting on my chest. Signing is definitely better than talking since pushing out air for speech is labored. But both are doable. My abdomen has four areas of tissue removed so when meds wear off it stings and tingles. Day 1 after surgery is always the hardest day but once I get through what I'd like to think of as the undertow of a wave, it's a smoother ride because anesthesia is out of my body. The anesthesia is what causes me to puke but so far only a few times. Compared to the mastectomy it is much better.

Our sofa is a better height for me since our bed is high and harder to maneuver myself in and out of. So prior to today's surgery, I arranged the books I want to read lower on the adjacent bookshelf. In some ways this is the best part of being out -- I will be able to read more.

This morning my son was a champ. His brain operates in a way that makes it better to know visually what's going on. There was an episode on Grey's Anatomy of a child with Autism Spectrum  Disorder (ASD) that was similar to us. It's part of the reason why he has been to each appointment and treatment. It helps him understand. It helps him understand his processes as someone who is no stranger to surgery, and mine. Though we are relate, our non related surgeries are kindred spirits. And it's ok to laugh and cry. We laughed a bit before being wheeled off; when I got wheeled away he started to cry and said calmly through tears "I hate this part." Me too, and that's ok. 

Speaking of ok...it's time for Valium. On my next post I'd like to share information about the reconstruction process in order to demystify it. 

Thank you for keeping this family in thoughts and prayers.

Race for the Cure

Many moons ago, I was an invited elite athlete to the Race for the Cure. It was my first 'invitation' as a then professional runner. I'll never forget the emotional charge I felt from this race. I could not help but cry and feel strong at the same time.

This coming weekend I'll be running this same Race for the Cure as a survivor. I can only imagine what this will feel like!

The picture included on this post is an emotionally charged one for me. I started 2013 with cancer and by the end of the year I was winning my master's age category. The ups and downs of this road....

One Year Cancer Reflection

Me a year ago:

http://www.mycancertrail.com/2013/02/boob-voyage.html

It's hard to believe that a year ago today I went through a mastectomy to remove my aggressive and invasive cancer. Surreal. But, despite the hardest parts of that experience, it really was an amazing experience because I learned so much, met wonderful people who take care of people like me, cancer survivors, people who know people with cancer -- which is an incredible amount of people! And, I've experienced so much love. Despite the challenges, I'm grateful to be here ...

Heel

Before tamoxifen and weeks after chemo my muscles ached less. But almost right away once I started tamoxifen, the muscles in my legs and heals ached a ton -- especially when I wake up. Many times I wake and crawl to the bathroom to avoid the pain. Once I'm up -- once the blood starts flowing down to my legs, I'm much better and walk cautiously back to bed.

I find that when I juice more it happens less. I also find when I sleep with a hot  water bottle or compression socks, I feel better. 

I run daily and the ache is there when I start but it does go away. In fact, I'm much worse when I don't run -- so, I run to keep me going stronger than otherwise. 

I googled to see if others experience anything similar and I found this link:

http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/78/topic/738926

One thing I haven't done is to increase my calcium and magnesium to 2:1 ratio (calcium 2 magnesium 1). In particular, a dose of 1500 mg of calcium and 500 mg of magnesium is recommended.

In terms of natural ways of getting magnesium and calcium, I did eat many more veggies last night before a faster 10k run this morning and my heel pain was less than the last time a ran a similar workout ( the last time, the pain gradually increased in mile 3; today it didn't happen til mile 5) so I can see the benefits of increased minerals. Currently 5 months now on tamoxifen with a lot of learning still going on and forever staying hopeful and positive.

Perspective

A year ago today I was celebrating that I 'only' had breast cancer with some possible lymph node involvement based on my PETSCAN results. The reason why I celebrated was because I felt like there was a solution. A mastectomy is not the easiest of solutions -- but it was a solution and that gave me hope. I had hope to live. TO LIVE!!!! I was ecstatic.

You see, prior to this -- on January 10, 2013 -- I was given a call my by primary care physician in which I was told "you have an invasive and aggressive cancer and we do not know the extent." This was honestly the worst day of my life. I had never felt all those emotions all at once on a single day, in a single moment. Not know the extent? Was it in my lungs? In my ovaries? In my pancreas? I remember thinking of my son, who was sitting next to me during this call telling me 'It's going to be ok, Mommy." OMG he CAN'T 'not' have his mommy. Unbearable. I couldn't stop the simultaneous cycle of crying, feeling scared, feeling angry at not knowing what to do. I couldn't sleep that night. The next day I had the PETSCAN which would tell us the extent, but this happened on a Friday which meant if I didn't have a result that day, then I would have to wait over the weekend -- which meant not sleeping the entire weekend. But, I did. I had so many prayers and positive thoughts my way and these lifted me. In the day, I focused on the things that really mattered. I had my son and my husband with me all day long and I wanted to really savor the things we like doing together as a family, like reading aloud together, watching a movie, playing board games, going for walks and talks. That's how I wanted to spend the days not knowing.

And then, on Monday, January 14, 2013, the call came:  "the cancer is only in your breast and possible lymph nodes." A spot highlighted on my throat, which was later cleared by my ENT. But, again, perspective -- I just had breast cancer. It could have been so much worse. So grateful. So grateful that I have today and each day. So grateful that I can look back on this journey and know that I was taken care of in so many ways. Happy Anniversary Year One of this road.

Note:
A year tomorrow I started the road of doctor appointments which ultimately led to the mastectomy on February 20. A month after this I started chemo because there was lymph node involvement. Mastectomy healing prediction per doctors was three months; mine was one. During chemo, I ran every day (with modest and gradual distance and speed increases over time -- eg 20 minutes for one mile in the beginning), I ate a Paleo diet combined with Gerso juicing therapy -- and studied for my graduate exams and license exam for my field of speech language pathology. I also slept A LOT. No doctor could have ever predicted how fast my body would recover. But so much positive energy in the form of positive food in my body, exercise -- and most importantly from friends and family and friends and family of these friends and family -- positive thoughts , positive thinking, and prayers got me through this. Super grateful...

Genevieve's Delivery Day

4 years ago today, I went into labor and delivered a beautiful baby girl named Genevieve. I went into septic shock which entered my lungs, my heart... I spent 9 days in the hospital and lived, she didn't. But, I got to hold her and felt only awe and peace. 

For her funeral I made exactly 100 little guardian angels to go out into the world through friends and family. I made these as Christmas tree ornaments and she goes on our tree every year. When I ask Christopher who is Genevieve, he says "my sister and guardian angel". When Rise of the Guardians came out in the movies, he made the connection between the main character and his sister. When I cried out for help the first time on Facebook for direction on the day I learned I had an aggressive and invasive breast cancer -- exactly 100 people responded. I couldn't help but think that my guardian angel was right there, saying "Mommy, it's going to be ok." 

I survived yet another deadly illness and today I'm here so grateful. I think of so many things ... including Eric Clapton's lyrics, Tears in Heaven. In particular, I feel like I tasted heaven on that November 30, 2009 -- but it's not my turn. I don't belong, yet. Im posting the lyrics in memory of Genevieve on this morning that my body woke up --on its own-- the exact time I went into her labor. Awe and peace...

"Tears In Heaven"

Would you know my name

If I saw you in heaven?

Would it be the same

If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong

And carry on,

'Cause I know I don't belong

Here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand

If I saw you in heaven?

Would you help me stand

If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way

Through night and day,

'Cause I know I just can't stay

Here in heaven.

Time can bring you down,

Time can bend your knees.

Time can break your heart,

Have you begging please, begging please.

Beyond the door,

There's peace I'm sure,

And I know there'll be no more

Tears in heaven.

Would you know my name

If I saw you in heaven?

Would it be the same

If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong

And carry on,

'Cause I know I don't belong

Here in heaven.

Memories of her chapter:

http://ourbabygenevieve.blogspot.com/2010/01/2-months-later.html?m=1

Labor Day Run: One Season Ending, One Beginning

One Season Ending, One Beginning

In February I said I'm looking at my cancer as a season -- lasting from Valentines Day to Labor Day. Here I am on Labor Day. I'm so relieved to be here. I'm grateful beyond words.

Where am I now in terms of the 'treatments for breast cancer?' Mastectomy, Chemo and Recovery ended-- now 10 weeks post experience on this particular day which also coincides with my first weekend of Tamoxifen. I still have one more surgery left which I'm saving up for (I currently have the spacer in place behind my pectoralis which was done at the mastectomy. At this surgery, two doctors worked in tandem -- while one removed, one cut behind the pectoralis to insert these balloon-like structures that were later gradually filled with saline solution with needle injections on ten day increments to stretch the muscle so that I could eventually have a place to later insert a breast implant. You continue this process of injections until you're the size you want. I've been done with the size part for a while. Not comfortable but could be worse. Looking forward to the replacement). 

I was told that this next stage of cancer treatment -- Tamoxifen -- has possible side effects. I decided that a nice balance of rest and "endorphin flood" via running and racing will help me fight off side-effects of Tamoxifen. In fact, I'm even taking it a step further by deciding to run cross country this year for the extra 'high' I get from racing to counter any 'low' from medication.

Here are some examples of how running or exercise that produces endorphins can help:

1. Estrogen likes fat cells; estrogen hungry tumors thrive on fat cells. Running helps keep one lean and therefore fewer fat cells that tumors would thrive on.

2. Estrogen supression causes one to have the blues or be moody; running produces endorphins which counteract the low estrogen.

3. Estrogen supression causes increased cravings for things like salt, sugar, refined items; running curbs the appetite and makes me make better choices.

4. Chemotherapy produces bone loss; impact sports like running help produce more red blood cells, white blood cells, and platelets in the bone marrow.

I'm banking on running. It's my labor of love -- such a perfect pair for me on this Labor Day. So far, I'm off to a good start!